OK, well it's half time in the Liverpool v Reading FA cup game and it's one all. It's one all! Shouldn't Liverpool and their ridiculously well paid players be entirely dominating Reading? Steven Gerrard gets paid £122,400 per week, and Simon Church (the Reading goal scorer) gets not a fraction of that, I imagine. Playing for Reading he probably gets a pat on the back from the manager and a drunken blowy from a Reading tart in the changing rooms.

So how can this happen? It's simple. Liverpool couldn't play well lately to save their lives. In fact, I think that's a good system for games like this. If there is a 20 position difference between the two teams the better team has to win, or they're killed. Maybe that'd make them earn their money. Simply make them earn their wages or we put them down like mangy, flee ridden, useless dogs that were bought solely for Christmas by malicious, neglectful parents. Get Rolf Harris to host it as an extra after-the-match special on ITV2, it can be called 'Players in Practice'. Harold Shipman could be the doctor. Two birds. One stone.

Maybe that's just a little impractical, but seriously they could make it more interesting, rather than chucking great, mind-boggling wads of money at football players. Luckily for you I have the solution. If the distance between the two teams is a vast a chasm as it is between Liverpool and Reading, have a communal pot. Both sides earnings for the game go into a pot then the winners keep it. I'm sure the Reading players would be up for that kind of mad-hatter gamble for a possible hefty pay-packet, but Gerrard and his merry men wouldn't be so eager, I'm sure.

Liverpool could have had this in the bag if half their players were at training instead of prancing off, trying to suck book publishers sex-stick's to get a ghost writer to do their bidding, for yet another annoyingly boring and pointless auto-biography. Who cares what has happened in Jamie Carragher's life? Definitely not me. Almost certainly not you. Possibly not his Mother. Probably not even his wife and children. If I wanted to know what it was like to come from Liverpool, have a silly accent and be a bit dim I'd watch a Donal McIntyre 'documentary'. Which I have. And as far I as I can tell they just go around gobbing on each other and/or stabbing one another. Some of them kick footballs. Very little get signed to good football teams. One or two have books about them, which litter shops shelves.

"a player who never fails to be intelligent, controversial or just downright hilarious."

Now, I've heard Jamie Carragher in interviews and he doesn't seem like he's hilarious, intelligent or even controversial. Far from it. I doubt he will be breaking into a Chomsky debate about linguistics; or lay out an hours worth of quality Prior-esque material or even be a little bit racists just to tick the controversial box. I don't expect him to do any of those things, in the same way I wouldn't expect a rape victim to get in an unmarked taxi (that's more like it, if you want controversy). I expect him to play football well, not break his way into Waterstones. To say he has 'never failed' to do something might simply mean he never attempted it. I shall not fail in my quest however. Now where is Harold's number….