Football Fingernails

What you'll need:
Brown nail polish
White nail polish
Toothpick

You don't have to be a guy to love football; many women adore the sport. But whether you do or you don't like football, you could still find yourself doing football-type things – like wearing football fingernails. Whether you love the sport, or you're just helping your guy throw a Superbowl party, you'll be amazed at how many people notice your football fingernails. It's one of the great designs that any regular person can do without help.

Making your fingernails look like footballs is easy enough to do. Instead of going to a salon, where specialty nails are done, you can do them yourself, and save. Many fingernail designs are quite involved, requiring taping off areas, painting again and again, or even using tiny stencils. But when you paint your nails to look like footballs you won't have to bother with any of that.

The most important part of creating nails that really look comparable to footballs is to choose the right color of fingernail polish. Brown polish is ideal, of course, but the right shade of brown will make the most convincing football nails. Brown isn't the most common shade that you'll find, when it comes to shopping for nail polish, but you can certainly find it online.

Apply two coats of brown nail polish to your fingernails, letting each coat dry completely. A toothpick can help you make the stitches on the footballs. Dispense some white nail polish onto a paper towel, or onto a disposable, flat object. Cut the very tip off of the toothpick and lay that end of the toothpick in the polish. Coat just one side of the toothpick, about halfway up, but make sure that the polish isn't too thick. Lay the toothpick on the fingernail, right down the middle, to make a white line that goes from the tip of the nail, nearly to the nail bed.

Cut the ends off of another toothpick so that you have a piece that is a bit longer than the width of your fingernail. Hold it on the ends, lay it in the white paint, and "stamp" small, white lines across the main white line. Each small line should go from near one side of the nail, to near the other side. Depending on how long or short your nails are, you could make 4 to 7 lines across the main line.

Football fingernails are a simplistic design that can be done on all of your nails, or just on one. It's a great look for a woman who loves the sport, for a cheerleader, or for someone hosting a football-theme party.

How to Make NFL Football Exciting to Watch Again

When John Madden finally announced that he was retiring from the broadcast booth you could hear a groundswell of cheering across the nation. Oh sure, there are people who inexplicably find John Madden useful for whatever football knowledge he may still possess, but considering the fact that on average it takes John Madden about 30 seconds to catch on to the penalty that even a casual football viewer spotted as it was taking place, the only possible way to really enjoy John Madden is as camp or performance art. Madden’s goodbye to the NFL announcing booth is perhaps twenty-five years too late, but welcome all the same. That Madden made any football game he provided commentary over an absolute case of sheer torture goes without saying to a multitude of people. Equally so, again inexplicably, there are people who seem to actually believe themselves when they say that watching a football game without Madden’s so-called wit and wisdom is the real torture.

John Madden made watching NFL football, which has increasingly become the single most boring sport I can think of besides soccer, into something even more atrociously horrifying. Aside from the fact that Madden seems incapable of identifying any action on the field before the youngest kid in the stands, there is also Madden’s incalculable ability to state the obvious. These flaws and failings of John Madden are known to everybody and apparently overlooked by quite a few. I’m certainly not the first to point them out. But nobody has managed to do justice to the mystery of why John Madden had such a long career and acquitted himself with so many fans as comedian Frank Caliendo.

Frank Caliendo does dead-on impressions of George W. Bush and Al Pacino. Such is Caliendo’s mastery of Bush and Pacino that it would be hard to distinguish the real from the fake if presented both with your eyes closed while listening. Nevertheless, I posit that Frank Caliendo’s masterpiece of impressionism is his astonishing riff on John Madden. It isn’t just that Caliendo sounds exactly like John Madden, which he does, so much as it is that he gets the pointlessness and almost surreal lack of insight that is associated with John Madden. To listen to the meandering monologues of Caliendo’s John Madden is to be presented with insight into why listening to Madden provide commentary of an NFL game is somewhat akin to watching Luis Bunuel remake Gone with the Wind. Caliendo is especially good at pointing out Madden’s unique ability to say something with supreme authority that is more obvious than the assertion that Dick Cheney is a just a tad paranoid.

The best thing about John Madden’s retirement is that he won’t be around to make what has turned into the least exciting professional sport in America even less enthralling to watch. The second best thing is that it opens the door for making NFL football somewhat less than excruciating to watch. If only Fox or whichever network recently employed John Madden would hire Frank Caliendo to do commentary in the guise of John Madden, I might just occasionally pop in to watch an NFL game; something I haven’t done in over a decade. Frank Caliendo doing NFL commentary on Fox would also almost make me not scream in agony when 7:00 Central Time is nearing and I flip it over there in preparation for watching the Simpsons and see that it’s a tie ballgame that may go into sudden death. (Sudden death; that’s what we used to call overtime back when NFL football was actually kind of exciting to watch.) Of course, I’d still rather watch the entire Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy back to back than have Fox continue to screw up my Simpsons with another boring football game, but Caliendo would be a welcome addition.

Watch Caliendo’s dead-on impersonation of John Madden.

Some of Them Kick Footballs

OK, well it's half time in the Liverpool v Reading FA cup game and it's one all. It's one all! Shouldn't Liverpool and their ridiculously well paid players be entirely dominating Reading? Steven Gerrard gets paid £122,400 per week, and Simon Church (the Reading goal scorer) gets not a fraction of that, I imagine. Playing for Reading he probably gets a pat on the back from the manager and a drunken blowy from a Reading tart in the changing rooms.

So how can this happen? It's simple. Liverpool couldn't play well lately to save their lives. In fact, I think that's a good system for games like this. If there is a 20 position difference between the two teams the better team has to win, or they're killed. Maybe that'd make them earn their money. Simply make them earn their wages or we put them down like mangy, flee ridden, useless dogs that were bought solely for Christmas by malicious, neglectful parents. Get Rolf Harris to host it as an extra after-the-match special on ITV2, it can be called 'Players in Practice'. Harold Shipman could be the doctor. Two birds. One stone.

Maybe that's just a little impractical, but seriously they could make it more interesting, rather than chucking great, mind-boggling wads of money at football players. Luckily for you I have the solution. If the distance between the two teams is a vast a chasm as it is between Liverpool and Reading, have a communal pot. Both sides earnings for the game go into a pot then the winners keep it. I'm sure the Reading players would be up for that kind of mad-hatter gamble for a possible hefty pay-packet, but Gerrard and his merry men wouldn't be so eager, I'm sure.

Liverpool could have had this in the bag if half their players were at training instead of prancing off, trying to suck book publishers sex-stick's to get a ghost writer to do their bidding, for yet another annoyingly boring and pointless auto-biography. Who cares what has happened in Jamie Carragher's life? Definitely not me. Almost certainly not you. Possibly not his Mother. Probably not even his wife and children. If I wanted to know what it was like to come from Liverpool, have a silly accent and be a bit dim I'd watch a Donal McIntyre 'documentary'. Which I have. And as far I as I can tell they just go around gobbing on each other and/or stabbing one another. Some of them kick footballs. Very little get signed to good football teams. One or two have books about them, which litter shops shelves.

"a player who never fails to be intelligent, controversial or just downright hilarious."

Now, I've heard Jamie Carragher in interviews and he doesn't seem like he's hilarious, intelligent or even controversial. Far from it. I doubt he will be breaking into a Chomsky debate about linguistics; or lay out an hours worth of quality Prior-esque material or even be a little bit racists just to tick the controversial box. I don't expect him to do any of those things, in the same way I wouldn't expect a rape victim to get in an unmarked taxi (that's more like it, if you want controversy). I expect him to play football well, not break his way into Waterstones. To say he has 'never failed' to do something might simply mean he never attempted it. I shall not fail in my quest however. Now where is Harold's number….

Top 5 NFL Football Players for the Next Decade

The first decade of the 21 century has passed, and we have seen plenty of young players come and go. Some have made their names and are locks to be in the Hall of Fame. For the next decade that is coming upon let us look at potentially dominant football players who could possibly be in the next round of Hall of Fame inductees.

Adrian Peterson

He has the ability to become one of the greatest running backs in the history of the National Football League. In his young career of three seasons he already set the bar higher than any running back, ever. Currently he has the most rushing yards in game (296 yards), a 3 time Pro Bowler, rookie Pro Bowl MVP, and a rushing title.

As all running backs keeping him health will take a lot of preparation, protection, and luck. If he continues at this pace we will be witnesses to one of the greatest running backs of our generation.

Larry Fitzgerald

He is starting to become the great receiver that people expect that he will become. He has the physical skills, and the humble personality that sets him apart from the pre-Madonna style receivers that litter the NFL today. He has done what is asked of him in Arizona, and almost single handedly won the Superbowl in 2009.

If anyone is going to have a chance of catching up to Jerry Rice's records, Larry Fitzgerald has the ability and is in the right offensive system to do so.

Aaron Rogers

Replacing a Hall of Fame quarterback who has been the face of your franchise is tough. Tougher still is replacing him when the incumbent quarterback still feels like he can still play at a high level. With the soap opera that Brett Favre has created during his waffling decision making for retirement or not, Aaron Rogers has come in and played exceptionally well. Aaron Rogers is the role model quarterback who waits patiently and learns the system, so once he is in charge the team does not miss a beat. Just as there was Steve Young to replace Joe Montana, there is Aaron Rogers more than capable to replace Brett Farve.

Matt Ryan

Being the first quarterback to lead the Atlanta Falcons to its first back to back winning seasons is no small feat in itself. Atlanta is building to have a good run, and Matt Ryan the right quarterback to base your team on. Franchise quarterbacks are a rare commodity, and drafting one that performs from the beginning is a dream come true for any franchise. With Matt Ryan in place you will see the Falcons be a perennial contender in the next decade to come.

Tim Tebow

Whether he is drafted in the first round, or picked up as a free agent he will make an impact somewhere in the NFL. He is the type of player that will be a lightning rod for various issues on and off the field, but he has the right intentions and he follows his heart. The big question is can he be groomed into a NFL caliber quarterback? Give him some time, and with the right coaching and he will be a dominant player in the NFL. The passion and drive has shown in college, and his ability to will a team to win can be one of the greatest marketing ploys the NFL can use in the next decade.

Will these five football players be locks for the NFL Hall of Fame in 2020? Only time will tell, but keep your eye out for these great athletes to become the torch bearers of the League in the coming years.

A Note to Football Widows

I listened to a radio show a couple of years ago. They were talking about "football widows". A woman had called in saying she was miserable – her husband worked all week, went to school three nights a week, spent Saturdays with her and wanted to watch football on Sundays. She declared that if he really loved her, he'd spend Sundays with her instead of watching a stupid football game.

In true "me" fashion, I have to write a little response of my own to women who don't like football.

Dear Football Widow,

I don't agree. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm an avid sports fan myself. Loving everything from football to Nascar, basketball to baseball, and even golf, I'm used to a TV being on some kind of sporting event. Super Bowl party? My house. Frontyard football games on Thanksgiving and New Year's Day include my kids, their friends, my brother and me.

"If" he loved you. Wow, let's turn that around. The man is working and taking care of his family. He's going to school to get an education to better himself to take even better care of his family. He spends Saturday with you but he must not love you if he watches a football game?

What if he said, "If you love me, you'll let me watch football." Better yet, sit down and watch it with him. Is he going out drinking or cheating on you? No, he's watching a game on TV in the home he shares with you.

Football has always been a big part of my life. My mother is an avid Dallas Cowboys fan. She doesn't understand where she went wrong with me-her 49ers fan. Still, Sunday football has always been a mainstay at my mom's house and at mine. My stepdad once told me, "Monica, you'll make a good wife someday."

Well, God has a sense of humor. I married the only man in the US that doesn't like sports. Or so I thought at the time. (I've found out since then that several men I've dated don't like sports…I run in the other direction when I hear that.)

You don't have to love football but cut the guy some slack. It's been proven that children involved in sports gain better self-esteem and confidence that help them later in life. Think about that the next time you want to throw something at your armchair quarterback.

Be honest…do you really want to nag him over something as natural as a love for sports? Oh, he takes care of us, he works hard for us, but let's pick on him anyway.

Pick your battles. Trust me on this one.

A Female Football Fan

A few minutes later…what's the advice on the radio that I had muttered moments earlier when hearing her whine? Pick your battles.

Imagine that.

NCAA Football 10 Preview

EA Sports is back with another installment of their college football game with NCAA Football 10. The game will be available for PS3, Xbox 360, PS2, and PSP on July 14th. With EA coming out with a new NCAA game every year major changes generally come sparingly. All we can really hope for is the next game will have some slightly better gameplay and maybe a new mode.

To me gameplay is the most important factor of any sports game and this version NCAA has only a few minor enhancements. First off you can now lock onto a player on defense. By choosing you defender and pressing down on the left analog stick you become locked onto the defender and the camera flips around to the defensive view. Playing the demo I found this to be very helpful while using the middle linebacker or a safety. Your player will move automatically until you press any button, which then gives you full control. This adds a new dimension to the game and makes playing defense a lot more fun. Its great reading the run as a linebacker and hitting the running lane before the RB gets there.

Another thing you'll notice during gameplay is that you have the option of changing your player's mindset. You can change each position from aggressive, default, and conservative. For example, making your offensive line more aggressive will open bigger running lanes, but at the cost of more holding penalties. There is a risk/reward for each decision you make.

NCAA Football 10 also lets you chain offensive plays together. This feature is quite realistic and similar to what actual coaches put into their game plans. By running different plays out of the same formation you can set up the defense up for a big play. For example, if you do a running play out of the Power-I formation the next play when you go back to that formation you'll see percentages under the different plays. These percentages represent the how fooled the defense will be. So a play action pass after a running play out of the same formation will give you a better chance of a big play by catching the defense looking for another run.

Outside of the actual gameplay there are a few new features. You can now go online to EA Sport's website and create a team. This is a lot more in depth than what we are used to seeing. It's a great new feature for fans that enjoy creating new schools. EA has said over 100,000 teams have already been created online. Online dynasty mode is back from NCAA Football 09 and hopefully we'll see even more improvements this time around.

My biggest gripe with this series has been the poor frame rate. It really ruins the gameplay when everything slows down and becomes chopping while playing. I'll honestly be happy with the game if that was the only thing different from previous years. I noticed some frame rate issues while playing the demo, but hopefully the issue is taken care of before release. It shouldn't be asking too much as none of EA's other sports games have this problem.

Haiku: Football Player

Butts up in his face

Waiting for snap of the ball

Quarterback at work!

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